I had a really rough yet revealing weekend last weekend. It all started late Friday night when I kind of snapped at Trevin. He told me that ever since my surgery in November I just hadn't been the same person. I kind of ignored this comment and denied that it was true at first. Well after we had went to bed and Trevin had fallen asleep, I all of a sudden just began weeping. Not crying but weeping. I got up and went to Khade's room (he was spending the night with his Pops and Gammy) for some privacy. Lets just say, I had it out with God. I screamed at Him, asked Him why, and to please help me. Friday night it finally occurred to me that I was not "fine" with everything that had happened in the past year.
Saturday, I felt some better. I didn't reveal anything about what happened the night before to anyone. I just don't talk about anything that happens to me personally very often, and I didn't want to talk about this. I honestly thought no one would understand what I've been going through, so again, I bottled it all up inside of myself and held it in as I had been doing for the past four months. Any time anyone asked me how I was doing or brought up the subject of me losing my job or my baby, I would simply say what any Christian would say..."I'm fine. I know God has a plan in everything that has happened." The truth of the matter is that I was merely saying this to myself not for anyone else's sake. I honestly was trying to say what I thought everyone wanted to hear and act "perfect" and really convince myself that that statement was true. Boy was I wrong.
Sunday morning at church, I felt very burdened. My heart was extremely heavy sometimes to the point of feeling like I couldn't breathe. Throughout the message, it was all I could do to sit still. I didn't really know what was wrong with me, but I knew that I couldn't swallow or hold myself together much longer. The invitation began, and I bowed my head and tried to convince God and myself that I was "fine" once again, and that I didn't need to get up and go pray at the altar. Well, I was wrong...
As soon as the music started, I jolted, without thinking, out of my seat and ran to the altar. The pastor came to pray with me and after a few minutes we stood up and he asked me if I was okay. Again, I had a heavy heart.
God was really pushing on me to actually say something to the church. I really, really didn't want to, but I couldn't hold anything in any longer. I simply told my pastor that I wanted to say something. So of course being the great pastor he is, he gave me that opportunity. Now, I don't exactly remember what I said. I think everything just sort of rushed out of me and I honestly don't think I was the one coming up with the words. I truly feel that God gave me the words to say otherwise I wouldn't have ever said anything. If you know me, you know I don't speak in public at all, so this was huge. I know I must have shocked Trevin especially.
The jist of what I said was more like a confession. I summed up that I had lost a lot in the past year (no details) and was truly struggling with my faith in God because of it. I apologized to the church for acting like a strong, faithful Christian and asked them to forgive me for faking it. Then I turned to Trevin. I get choked up as I type this even. I looked him in the eye and thanked him for putting up with me these past few months because I know it must have been difficult, and I apologized to him for the way I had been acting. Trevin is not a very emotional person, but I could see that I honestly touched him and he had tears in his eyes. I think he knew how big of a step this was for me to start really healing and getting better. Again I asked the church to pray for myself but also for my family and thanked them for being such a loving group of people. The pastor prayed for me and my family right then.
Immediately I felt relief...I'm still struggling every day, but I honestly feel like this is the actual start of my healing process. I have denied myself the truth for a long time and tried to convince myself that losing my job, baby, etc. didn't bother me or affect me. I know I'm wrong in thinking that, and I hope to become a much stronger person and Christian due to all this. I'm trying to rebuild my faith in God now, and I know one day I'll get there; it'll just take some time. So again, I ask whoever might be reading this to pray...pray for me and my family. I hope I can repay the favor some day for all those that do, and I hope that my story of finally speaking out and realizing my faults and admitting them may help someone else find the same relief in doing so for themselves.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Rough Start...
This morning started off rough...I didn't get to bed until one o'clock or later last night due to my poor little guy. He has severe allergies and this time of year is really hard on him especially since he LOVES to be outside. He had a coughing fit that ended by him throwing up everywhere. So at midnight, I am cleaning up puke (a lot of puke), giving a crying child another bath and trying to get him calmed down so we can try to get back in bed for the night. He did go back to bed eventually, but every time I heard him cough during the night I shot right out of bed and ran to his room to check and make sure he wasn't going to start throwing up again. Ugh...no fun...
Then I wake up a bit late this morning due to the lack of sleep. Puts me about 10 minutes behind my normal routine. So I'm hurrying, hurrying, hurrying...finally we're out the door and get to the babysitters. Well, someone else shows up and parks right behind me and precedes to stand and talk to our babysitter. I'm just sitting in my car waiting to leave getting more behind by the second. Finally another person that was waiting in the car behind me switches to the driver's seat and backs out so I can leave.
Another obstacle presents itself...My babysitter's driveway has a train track through part of it and a train is just sitting on the tracks across it. So I turn around and go the back way. I get to the next place where I can turn onto the main road, still and train sitting there. So now I'm driving all the way to Calhoun on back roads. Again, Ugh...
I finally get to work about 10 minutes late (I have a 50 minute drive to work), which isn't so bad. But I swear I probably would have called in and given up if I hadn't known that only TWO of us were going to be in the office today. It's looking like the day may live up to its standards of not being a great day since myself and one other will have to do EVERYTHING for two different companies. Hopefully it'll be a slow day though, and I won't have to worry about it. So far, so good.
Sorry....I really just needed to vent about everything. There is more I could possibly complain about, but I don't want to get too personal. hahaha...Maybe in a later post...time will only tell...Well, until next time...
Then I wake up a bit late this morning due to the lack of sleep. Puts me about 10 minutes behind my normal routine. So I'm hurrying, hurrying, hurrying...finally we're out the door and get to the babysitters. Well, someone else shows up and parks right behind me and precedes to stand and talk to our babysitter. I'm just sitting in my car waiting to leave getting more behind by the second. Finally another person that was waiting in the car behind me switches to the driver's seat and backs out so I can leave.
Another obstacle presents itself...My babysitter's driveway has a train track through part of it and a train is just sitting on the tracks across it. So I turn around and go the back way. I get to the next place where I can turn onto the main road, still and train sitting there. So now I'm driving all the way to Calhoun on back roads. Again, Ugh...
I finally get to work about 10 minutes late (I have a 50 minute drive to work), which isn't so bad. But I swear I probably would have called in and given up if I hadn't known that only TWO of us were going to be in the office today. It's looking like the day may live up to its standards of not being a great day since myself and one other will have to do EVERYTHING for two different companies. Hopefully it'll be a slow day though, and I won't have to worry about it. So far, so good.
Sorry....I really just needed to vent about everything. There is more I could possibly complain about, but I don't want to get too personal. hahaha...Maybe in a later post...time will only tell...Well, until next time...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
To This New Beginning...
Well, this is my first time doing this, so I'll hope it only gets better. I figured this would be a good way to kind of keep a log of our life and also vent out if I need to. First off, I guess here is a little about my family and I...
I met my husband of five years now when I was a Freshman in high school. We quickly became very good friends and began dating the spring of my Sophomore year. We have been together literally non-stop ever since. He is my life, my best friend, my everything. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I thank God each and every day for placing him in my path.
We had a little boy two years ago, and life has gotten better since that day. He lights up the room when he's around and keeps us on our toes. I really don't know what we did with our time before he was born because now we center our lives around him. He is amazing, and again, I am blessed beyond measure!
So there's a little recap...The past year has definitely been the hardest though. It started off by me becoming very unhappy with the place I worked at. I was literally coming home in tears a few nights a week. This was just the beginning though because in June, I actually lost this job. At the time I didn't know what to do with myself. I lost a lot of my self confidence due to this, but now looking back, I know God was just taking me out of a very bad situation and placing me in a better place.
I did finally get a job that August working for a wonderful Christian man, who understands family time and is willing to work around a child's schedule. He truly is a Godsend. I did take a pay cut with this job and lose our family insurance (which is a lot of money now for my husband to cover us all) and have to drive over forty-five minutes. But I am very thankful to have this job, and hopefully is will progress into something more.
After all of this, I thought the year couldn't get any worse...boy, was I wrong about that. In November, I got really sick with cramps one night, and my husband took me to the ER. They ran a bunch of tests, which is was decided I had a cyst on my ovaries and was pregnant. They said it might be an ectopic pregnancy so I needed to go to the OBGYN the following Monday. I went to my doctor as directed, and for the next two weeks had blood work done every other day to check my progress for my pregnancy. Finally the doctor was satisfied that everything looked good and told me to take a week off and she would see me again then.
Well, the next day I wake up spotting and not feeling too well. I called my doctor who said not to worry about it and to call if anything got worse. Well, I stopped spotting blood but the pain began to get worse. Again, I called my doctor. She said she thought I had the stomach virus and to go home and take it easy. I did decide to go home around lunch time, and by this time, I was barely able to stand up right.
I got home, stripped all my clothes off (I couldn't stand for anything to touch me) and laid down in bed. I laid there for quite a while noticing that I was in more and more pain. My left shoulder began to hurt extremely bad to the point of not being able to move it and I officially could not straighten out my body because I was in so much pain. I tried not to worry because after calling my doctor three times, she said I was fine. I did call my husband finally and asked him to bring me some Tylenol since we were out a home.
Somewhere a long the line, he had talked to his Pap about me not feeling well and needing some Tylenol, and before I knew it, there was a knock on my door...So now I'm trying to throw some clothes on while not being able to move my right side (I'm right handed by the way) and doubled over in pain. I finally get to the door, and there's Pap. While I would like to say that I held it together really well before this point. I guess Pap could tell that something major was wrong and asked me if I were okay. Well, bless his heart because I began squalling because I couldn't contain my pain any longer. He tried to help me to a chair to sit down, but at that moment I had an indescribible sharp pain shoot through my right side and I collapsed on the floor. I then began hyperventalating and couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying. No doubt about it.
I finally was able to get up and by that time, my husband finally came home to check on me. He quickly told me we were going to the ER (again). We got there, and of course I can't recall a whole lot of everything that happened besides being in EXTREME pain! I do remember having A LOT of tests ran and everything hurting. I almost passed out a couple of times due to the pain and broke out into a lot of sweats. It was crazy. They wouldn't give me any pain medicine that would touch the amount of pain I was in due to being pregnant, so I just had to endure it all.
My doctor was called that night a couple of times. She never did come in so I ended up getting admitted to the hospital and staying over night. They said they thought I had an infection in my stomach and that it might be my gallbladder. However, finally a surgeon came and saw me the next morning and called my doctor to get there immediately. He said he was sure something was going on with the pregnancy and it needed to be taken care of immediately. She FINALLY showed up (take note that I am NOT seeing her anymore and switched doctors shortly thereafter). They quickly got me ready for surgery and said they would figure out what was wrong when they got in there. Turns out, I did have an ectopic pregnancy. I ended up losing my left fallopian tube due to this. And the infection they thought was in my stomach was actually internal bleeding. I was literally bleeding out and dying, and my doctor could have cared less.
So I lost a baby, a fallopian tube, a job, etc. all in one year. It was a terrible year to say the least. I'm finally feeling like my old self again. My hormones have finally straightened up and I'm no longer hurting at all. It has been a long recovery. However, I did learn that through all that that I have a wonderful family and maybe not many friends, but a few that would do anything for my family and me.
We do want to have another baby sometime soon, but it's going to be twice as hard to get pregnant now with only one operating side. Also, once you've had one ectopic it's more likely you'll have another, so that's a bit scary. We are also still struggling financially due to the pay cut, more expensive insurance, and all these new "wonderful" doctor/hospital bills we are paying on. It's ridiculous! But we're making it and praying for a much better 2011.
I met my husband of five years now when I was a Freshman in high school. We quickly became very good friends and began dating the spring of my Sophomore year. We have been together literally non-stop ever since. He is my life, my best friend, my everything. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I thank God each and every day for placing him in my path.
We had a little boy two years ago, and life has gotten better since that day. He lights up the room when he's around and keeps us on our toes. I really don't know what we did with our time before he was born because now we center our lives around him. He is amazing, and again, I am blessed beyond measure!
So there's a little recap...The past year has definitely been the hardest though. It started off by me becoming very unhappy with the place I worked at. I was literally coming home in tears a few nights a week. This was just the beginning though because in June, I actually lost this job. At the time I didn't know what to do with myself. I lost a lot of my self confidence due to this, but now looking back, I know God was just taking me out of a very bad situation and placing me in a better place.
I did finally get a job that August working for a wonderful Christian man, who understands family time and is willing to work around a child's schedule. He truly is a Godsend. I did take a pay cut with this job and lose our family insurance (which is a lot of money now for my husband to cover us all) and have to drive over forty-five minutes. But I am very thankful to have this job, and hopefully is will progress into something more.
After all of this, I thought the year couldn't get any worse...boy, was I wrong about that. In November, I got really sick with cramps one night, and my husband took me to the ER. They ran a bunch of tests, which is was decided I had a cyst on my ovaries and was pregnant. They said it might be an ectopic pregnancy so I needed to go to the OBGYN the following Monday. I went to my doctor as directed, and for the next two weeks had blood work done every other day to check my progress for my pregnancy. Finally the doctor was satisfied that everything looked good and told me to take a week off and she would see me again then.
Well, the next day I wake up spotting and not feeling too well. I called my doctor who said not to worry about it and to call if anything got worse. Well, I stopped spotting blood but the pain began to get worse. Again, I called my doctor. She said she thought I had the stomach virus and to go home and take it easy. I did decide to go home around lunch time, and by this time, I was barely able to stand up right.
I got home, stripped all my clothes off (I couldn't stand for anything to touch me) and laid down in bed. I laid there for quite a while noticing that I was in more and more pain. My left shoulder began to hurt extremely bad to the point of not being able to move it and I officially could not straighten out my body because I was in so much pain. I tried not to worry because after calling my doctor three times, she said I was fine. I did call my husband finally and asked him to bring me some Tylenol since we were out a home.
Somewhere a long the line, he had talked to his Pap about me not feeling well and needing some Tylenol, and before I knew it, there was a knock on my door...So now I'm trying to throw some clothes on while not being able to move my right side (I'm right handed by the way) and doubled over in pain. I finally get to the door, and there's Pap. While I would like to say that I held it together really well before this point. I guess Pap could tell that something major was wrong and asked me if I were okay. Well, bless his heart because I began squalling because I couldn't contain my pain any longer. He tried to help me to a chair to sit down, but at that moment I had an indescribible sharp pain shoot through my right side and I collapsed on the floor. I then began hyperventalating and couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying. No doubt about it.
I finally was able to get up and by that time, my husband finally came home to check on me. He quickly told me we were going to the ER (again). We got there, and of course I can't recall a whole lot of everything that happened besides being in EXTREME pain! I do remember having A LOT of tests ran and everything hurting. I almost passed out a couple of times due to the pain and broke out into a lot of sweats. It was crazy. They wouldn't give me any pain medicine that would touch the amount of pain I was in due to being pregnant, so I just had to endure it all.
My doctor was called that night a couple of times. She never did come in so I ended up getting admitted to the hospital and staying over night. They said they thought I had an infection in my stomach and that it might be my gallbladder. However, finally a surgeon came and saw me the next morning and called my doctor to get there immediately. He said he was sure something was going on with the pregnancy and it needed to be taken care of immediately. She FINALLY showed up (take note that I am NOT seeing her anymore and switched doctors shortly thereafter). They quickly got me ready for surgery and said they would figure out what was wrong when they got in there. Turns out, I did have an ectopic pregnancy. I ended up losing my left fallopian tube due to this. And the infection they thought was in my stomach was actually internal bleeding. I was literally bleeding out and dying, and my doctor could have cared less.
So I lost a baby, a fallopian tube, a job, etc. all in one year. It was a terrible year to say the least. I'm finally feeling like my old self again. My hormones have finally straightened up and I'm no longer hurting at all. It has been a long recovery. However, I did learn that through all that that I have a wonderful family and maybe not many friends, but a few that would do anything for my family and me.
We do want to have another baby sometime soon, but it's going to be twice as hard to get pregnant now with only one operating side. Also, once you've had one ectopic it's more likely you'll have another, so that's a bit scary. We are also still struggling financially due to the pay cut, more expensive insurance, and all these new "wonderful" doctor/hospital bills we are paying on. It's ridiculous! But we're making it and praying for a much better 2011.
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