Submitting to God...

I had a really rough yet revealing weekend last weekend.  It all started late Friday night when I kind of snapped at Trevin.  He told me that ever since my surgery in November I just hadn't been the same person.  I kind of ignored this comment and denied that it was true at first.  Well after we had went to bed and Trevin had fallen asleep, I all of a sudden just began weeping.  Not crying but weeping.  I got up and went to Khade's room (he was spending the night with his Pops and Gammy) for some privacy.  Lets just say, I had it out with God.  I screamed at Him, asked Him why, and to please help me.  Friday night it finally occurred to me that I was not "fine" with everything that had happened in the past year.
Saturday, I felt some better.  I didn't reveal anything about what happened the night before to anyone.  I just don't talk about anything that happens to me personally very often, and I didn't want to talk about this.  I honestly thought no one would understand what I've been going through, so again, I bottled it all up inside of myself and held it in as I had been doing for the past four months.  Any time anyone asked me how I was doing or brought up the subject of me losing my job or my baby, I would simply say what any Christian would say..."I'm fine.  I know God has a plan in everything that has happened."  The truth of the matter is that I was merely saying this to myself not for anyone else's sake.  I honestly was trying to say what I thought everyone wanted to hear and act "perfect" and really convince myself that that statement was true.  Boy was I wrong.
Sunday morning at church, I felt very burdened.  My heart was extremely heavy sometimes to the point of feeling like I couldn't breathe.  Throughout the message, it was all I could do to sit still.  I didn't really know what was wrong with me, but I knew that I couldn't swallow or hold myself together much longer.  The invitation began, and I bowed my head and tried to convince God and myself that I was "fine" once again, and that I didn't need to get up and go pray at the altar.  Well, I was wrong...
As soon as the music started, I jolted, without thinking, out of my seat and ran to the altar.  The pastor came to pray with me and after a few minutes we stood up and he asked me if I was okay.  Again, I had a heavy heart.
God was really pushing on me to actually say something to the church.  I really, really didn't want to, but I couldn't hold anything in any longer.  I simply told my pastor that I wanted to say something.  So of course being the great pastor he is, he gave me that opportunity.  Now, I don't exactly remember what I said.  I think everything just sort of rushed out of me and I honestly don't think I was the one coming up with the words.  I truly feel that God gave me the words to say otherwise I wouldn't have ever said anything.  If you know me, you know I don't speak in public at all, so this was huge.  I know I must have shocked Trevin especially. 
The jist of what I said was more like a confession.  I summed up that I had lost a lot in the past year (no details) and was truly struggling with my faith in God because of it.  I apologized to the church for acting like a strong, faithful Christian and asked them to forgive me for faking it.  Then I turned to Trevin.  I get choked up as I type this even.  I looked him in the eye and thanked him for putting up with me these past few months because I know it must have been difficult, and I apologized to him for the way I had been acting.  Trevin is not a very emotional person, but I could see that I honestly touched him and he had tears in his eyes.  I think he knew how big of a step this was for me to start really healing and getting better.  Again I asked the church to pray for myself but also for my family and thanked them for being such a loving group of people.  The pastor prayed for me and my family right then.
Immediately I felt relief...I'm still struggling every day, but I honestly feel like this is the actual start of my healing process.  I have denied myself the truth for a long time and tried to convince myself that losing my job, baby, etc. didn't bother me or affect me.  I know I'm wrong in thinking that, and I hope to become a much stronger person and Christian due to all this.  I'm trying to rebuild my faith in God now, and I know one day I'll get there; it'll just take some time.  So again, I ask whoever might be reading this to pray...pray for me and my family.  I hope I can repay the favor some day for all those that do, and I hope that my story of finally speaking out and realizing my faults and admitting them may help someone else find the same relief in doing so for themselves.